Weight
Poetry
200, 250, or maybe 300 pounds
I can’t seem to remember anything but the sound
of your forceful voice insisting that I have no choice
Saying “let it happen and it will pass with ease” as I beg you to please stop
You got tired of my protest
At that point I started to feel hopeless
Tears streaming down my face, thoughts screaming in my mind
Throat clenched, I flinched the first time your hand gripped tight
It was clear I shouldn’t put up a fight
It might have triggered something far worse
I didn’t want to know the extent of force you could inflict on me
Wet lips forcing themselves against mine
The full force of your weight, a sign of no escape
Combined with your rough, grimy hands
Forever against my body; I’m trapped even in my dreams
Dissociation; fixation on a point on the wall
Crawling within myself — feeling so small
A trap intended to protect me from after shock
Fear of using my voice to talk, unable to walk from the pain within
I participated in a sin; going against my morals and values
Hoping there would be a gap in my memory
Preventing me from living with it every day
The intensity of emotions felt but cannot be dealt with
The brain blocks them out as I shout and suffocate every night,
chest feeling tight, even with all my might I can’t seem to breathe
Your force has drained my ability
Trying to break free from the shame that you have attached to every inch of me
Why couldn’t you have just let me be?
You shouldn’t have forced me; coerced me
You wouldn’t have done it if someone else was there to see
Self-blame consumes me, suffocating daily
I don’t even want to let people come near
Fear of excessive force; not knowing who to trust
Self-protection and over caution is now a must
Physical touch was my love language,
Now creates flash backs and an intense feeling of strangulation
